Thursday, December 29, 2011

Refleksi 2011

I arrived at home and I felt half-empty. This is not the usual "me". Tahun 2011 memang mengobrak-abrik hidup gw sedemikian rupa sampai titik dimana gw bener-bener perlu nulis resolusi 2012.

Hmm... apa aja yang sudah gw lakukan 1 tahun ini?

Well, bisa dibilang tahun ini tahunnya gw menjadi banci conference. Setelah thn 2010 menjadi banci volunteer yang ternyata dipaksakan hingga tahun ini (dan tahun depan, dan mgkin tahun-tahun berikutnya) but to be perfectly honest, I'm tired (and maybe bored) with this volunteer stuff. I had my time last year, so I thought I should find something to keep me excited (?) and passionate in life. So yeah, I was the conference freak. I attended this and that conference, dari binus, Hotel Ciputra sampe melanglang buana ke Vietnam. Kontennya tetep seputar HAM dan seksualitas. I thought it wud give me reference for my thesis, well it DID. Walaupun gw sudah sukses procrastinate slama berbulan-bulan. TAPI bab 5 akhirnya kelar pas desember akhir. Menurut gw sih, gw sudah berada di jalan yang benar *langit terbuka, tutup mata karena cahaya terang*

Well, beside that, I made some new friends from all over ASEAN countries. Ada KIKO, gay filipino yang klo joget aduhai banget (I thought he would make my friend gay, ehh taunya temen gw jadian sama partnernya.. sekarang hidup bahagia di KL. meh #sirik), ada Giang, cewe viet yang baik dan ramah cuma baru putus cinta karena laki-laki Indonesia menyia2kan dia (YOUR LOSS, not her), ada temen2 dari Youth Network yang dgn BRILIANnya menciptakan group itu di FB jadi remaja galau bisa lebih berkontribusi (dalam unsur apapun deh, this group is awesome, thanks to mas Aquinowhhh dan Inalisme). Ahhh gila banget, gak sia2 thn ini gw buat kartu nama IYC, minimal bisa gw sebar di ladang yg bener.

Organisasi yang gw ikutin juga oke-oke. Kompsi (aih,aku bangga banget pake jaket KOMPSI, not to mention the fantastic team), IYC (aku nangis pas IYC kelar, bangga sama kalian, baik peserta maupun panitia yang berkontribusi pada acara ini) dan yang terakhir Q-munity (setelah melewati banyak drama dan tantangan, masih tetep sukses ya cyin). Gw amat sangat bersyukur bisa menjadi bagian dari organisasi hebat yg udah gw mention di atas. I did my best to make it HAPPEN, hopefully the impact can make a difference = )

Phew, apalagi yah? Relationship? I did have the 4th anniversarry and threw it all away after a life-changing experience. It's the best decision of the year, I suppose. Bosen kaaaan gw nelongso mulu? Dan gw udah lebih tau arah ketika mencari pasangan. Therefore I am in a relationship with my pedobear. Enuf said, sudah gw jelaskan di postingan2 sebelumnya.

But I MISS MY FRIENDS. Iya, gw kangen temen lama gw. Baik temen kampus kayak Dennis, Ogi dan geng mure, temen2 @fam (yg dulu anggotanya 13 kmrn ktemuan cuma ber3, dont sad cyin), temen2 judi yg slalu bikin gw ngakak (ngepot lala jibon) dan yg pasti, my soulsister, si Gentonk laknat itu. I miss them so much, gw berasa makin jauh sama mereka karena pelacuran gw di organisasi makin gencar dan relasi baru gw. Therefore, kadang gw suka approach personal ke mereka walaupun kebersamaan dari 1 grup itu beda ya. I miss sneaking out, i miss playing juday, kangen konko2 hits sama Royal Mure Family. Gw ketinggalan banyak sekali gosip.

WELL..

YOU GAIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME >.<

tahun depan semoga jadi teman yang lebih baik. Semoga tahun depan gw udah jadi S.Psi, hubungan pertemanan bisa lebih baik dan dapet kerjaan dgn penghasilan tetap yang minimal bisa untuk hidup sebulan + ngasih nyokap + dimas.

I feel like I'm about to cry. Kegalauan setelah lulus itu wajar kan? Hmm.. Baiklah, gw sudahi dulu postingan malam ini. Gw kayak udah mau mati abis main2 di waterbom sama Kasim (FYI, waterbom di PIK, rumah gw di selatan, 11 12 sih, jalannya juga cuma lurus2 aja, cuma jauhnya MASYAALLAH dan gw naik motor #meh)

Btw, what have you done in 2011?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Moving On

[DESPITE THE FACT I ALREADY HAVE A WONDERFUL GIRLFRIEND]

Moving on is HARDDDDDDD.. (pake nada nagging needy girl)

30 menit sebelumnya, gw menerima telpon dari temen baik gw. Dia curhat mengenai relasinya gitu. Perlahan2 gw sadar, kok gw jadi proyeksi ya? Dan dari kesadaran itu, gw langsung bergegas untuk menulis blog *hap2*

Gw tidak akan menceritakan konten curhatannya krn dia pun punya blog pribadinya (aku suka baca juga lhooo ^^) Tapi gw tadi menangkap ceritanya dia sebagai pasangan yang helpless dalam relasi tidak sehat. I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR POSITION, Girl. Dya bilang "Gw ga menyangka, even elo yg happy-go-lucky, bisa merasa insecure ky gitu" ketika gw bilang "gmn sih perasaan lo? takut akan gak disayang esok hari? atau sekedar bertanya2 kalau bkl ada drama esok hari?" I mean, IT IS NORMAL, baik pasangannya cewe atau cowok.

Dya salut krn gw bisa mengakhiri hubungan gw. But little did she know, it is not easy to move on. MAU GIMANA pun juga, mantan ada di hidup gw kurang lebih 4,5 tahun. Dari jaman SMA sampe dia udah kelar kuliah (gw belom, sedih! COMING SOON, dont sad!) pasti udah banyak event yang dilalui, pasti ada suka dukanya. Sekali lagi gw tekankan, terlepas dari kenyataan gw udah ada pacar baru. Proses moving on gw, bagi sebagian orang, terLIHAT cukup cepat. Bayangin aja, putus 29 September 2011, jadian lagi tggl 16 Oktober 2011. Tapi mereka ga tahu bahwa gw udah mencoba move on seminggu sebelum kami putus. Kecelakaan itu bener2 nampar gw sih. Walau gak seheboh putusnya Shila yg mengakibatkan berpuluh2 juta (dan berakhir balikan [lagi]), luka fisik dan finansial(siyal banget emang, keluarin sejuta cuma krn nabrak mobil lagi PARKIR) itu bikin gw mikir berkali-kali dan mencoba move on sejak saat itu.

Its been three months now.. Jangan dipikir gw tenang-tenang aja. Gw juga gelisah, gw merasa bersalah krn jadi "orang yang mutusin" dan krn gw bukan DEWA, gw pun ada perasaan kangen.

Did I miss her? Yes
Did I miss her companionship? Yes

Did I tell her? No
Did I contact her to keep in touch? No
Do I want to be with her? No

Gw gak denial deh, perasaan itu pasti ada, tapi gak ujuk2 langsung gw lakukan. (again) terlepas gw berpotensi menyakiti pasangan gw, gw lebih gak mau menyakiti diri sendiri. Sama aja kaya gw udah susah2, gw udah bisa menyayangi diri sendiri, trus tiba2 gw musti mengalami kemunduran cuma karena perasaan sesaat.

#merinding

Semakin cepat gw mengidentifikasikan masalah, semakin cepat move on (walau sakitnya mgkin berbeda di tiap orang), semakin cepat menuju kebahagiaan. My friend always says YOU ARE the one who responsible of ur own happiness = ) Dengan mengakhiri obsesi gw akan mantan gw, gw ngerasa adanya kelegaan.

Untuk kedepannya, setelah program 6 bulan gak berhubungan ma mantan, semoga bisa abis deh sisa2 attachmentnya. Letting me go as well as letting her go. Udah cukup ya tarik ulurnya dan masa penantian jangka panjang. Selamat menempuh hidup baru ala2 gitu gw. wkwkwk.. It is the best for us (gw nominasiin sbg best decision in 2011 bahkan). Sebenernya gw masih mau ceritain this and that-what if- if only blah blah woof woof tp ga relevan sama postingan kali ini. Oh well, I have all the time in the world..

Hmm.. have you moved on?

Ya soshla s uma

I just need to post this. Really2 need to post this and I'm losing my point. #meh #kecewa

Ya soshla s uma (All the thing she said) - t.A.T.u

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma

Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her)

YA SOSHLA S UMA
(I've lost my mind)

Menya polnost'yu net
Absolyutno vser'yoz
Situatsiya "help"
Situatsiya "SOS"
(I'm completely nothing
This is absolutely serious
Situation "Help"
Situation "SOS")

Ya sebya ne poimu
Ty okuda vzyalas'
Pochemu, pochumu
Na tebya povelas'
(I don't understand myself
Where did you come from
Why, why
Am I attracted to you)

Vyklyuchayetsya svet
Ya kuda-to lechu
Bez tebya menya net
Nichego ne hochu
(The lights switch off
I'm flying somewhere
Without you I don't exist
There is nothing I want)

Eto medlenniy yad
Eto svodit c uma
A oni govoryat - vinovata sama
A oni govoryat - vinovata sama
(It's a slow poison
It's driving me mad
And they say - It's my fault
And they say - It's my fault)

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her)

YA SOSHLA S UMA
MNE NUZHNA ONA
(I've lost my mind
I NEED HER)

Bez tebya ya ne ya
Bez tebya menya net
A oni govoryat
Govoryat eto bred
(Without you I'm not me
Without you I don't exist
And they say
They say it's delirium)

Eto solnechniy yad
Zolotiye luchi
A oni govoryat
Nado srochno lechit'
(It's sunlight poison
Golden rays
But they say
I need to be cured immediately)

Ya hotela zabyt'
Do upora I vniz
Ya schitala stolby
I rasteryannih ptits
(I wanted to forget how
I hit the wall and slid down
and I counted the poles
and confused birds)

Bez tebya menya net
Otpusti. otpusti
Do ugla po stenye
Mama-papa prosti
(Without you I don't exist
Let me go. let me go
I'm cornered
Mom and Dad forgive me)

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her)

Raz, dva posle pyati
Mama papa prosti
Ya soshla s uma
Raz, dva posle pyati
Mama papa prosti
Ya soshla s uma
(One, two after five
Mom and dad forgive me
I've lost my mind
One, two after five
Mom and dad forgive me
I've lost my mind)

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her)

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma...
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind...)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

It's the most wonderful time of the year


Merry Christmas all.. (btw that is IYC official Xmas e-Card..yayy! Thanks to our fantastic creative team)

Btw this is my FIRST Christmas eve with girlfriend. How cool is that? Hihi, gw seneng banget, walaupun dia sebenernya gak merayakan natal, well we did and are still celebrating Christmas, tho. I'm happy.

Malem ini kami dinner di bengkel gaulnya Nyah, ditemani oleh Om dan Tante Gaul, cicinya Nyah dan teman2nya, PLUS BOPI (Kambing/Domba/Beruang Kutub/Anjing Besar-nya Nyah). Makanannya gak jauh beda sama tahun lalu dan ada UDANG GEDONG buatan tante... MasyaAllah enak banget. Kalau tiap hari Natal, fixed masuk harapan kita deh nih. #Pegang2Leher #kokpegelya #KolesterolKali

Terus Abe dateng jem11an, langsung deh rumpi2 gitu. Aaaa, tahun ini aku membawa pacarrrrr.. thn lalu kan Abe dan Nyah yang ditemani pacar (gantian yaaa) terlepas dari drama di bengkel dan drama motor gw, gw cukup puas dengan event hari ini. It was GREAT. Gw kayak udah 22 tahun menunggu kapaaaan bisa natalan bareng pacar. Gak diduga aja bisa natalan sama pacar, terlebih karena dia berbeda agama. Tp picik banget sih pikiran org2 yg mikir natal cuma buat yg merayakan. Even ngucapin "Met Natal" aja menurut gw gak dosa ah. #LirikAlandaYangBaruSharePengalamannya Christmas is for EVERYONE =D

Oh iya, tadi pas di bengkel, kami ga ngucapin natal sama skali kayaknya (soalnya udah heboh di twittah) tapi lucu sih, pas gw anterin pacar pulang, di depan gerbang, dya bilang "Merry Christmas" Well, aint that sweet?

Alrighty then, wishing u all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS..

May you have a wonderful happiness and joy..

Thursday, December 8, 2011

08.12.11

happy. friction. disoriented. craving. missing. tired. hurt. drowsy. underestimated. reward. excited. gloomy. sleepy. dragging. planful. future. motivated. content. empty. another reward. food. pink. support. smiling. solitaire. lost. silence. wrong. achievement. invitation. thinking. wondering. trying. failing. lost. lost. lost. air supply. opportunist. altruistic. rue. home. notes. helpless. love. cry. stupid. addiction. Faddy Faulus. complicated. obligation. hero. withdrawal. plain. nausea. wait. search. grateful.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I Miss You

I miss my bear.

Menyebalkan nih perasaan ini. Gw bisa makin gendut gitu.. Gw kan lagi di JIS (sekolah slash mental institution slash penjara anak) dan disini kalau mau ngeroco jauhnya MASYAALLAH (bang, ojeg boleh ga? Gocheng ya..) jadinya gw ya diem aja di bawah AC. Gw br sadar kalau tadi gw snacking mulu, eh taunya ya... damn it, withdrawal symptoms!

So I went outside, just to get some polluted air(this school is so healthy, I'm scared) and I called her. I just missed her. (SEDIH, abis 17 menit, pulsa gw abis.. menyebalkan)

we talked about stuff, random stuff. Malem minggu terus sendirian niyh. Gwnya sibuk ngurusin ticketing Jakarta Players (YANGGGGG INTERNETNYA OKE BANGGETZ) dan pacar sibuk kerja >.< why oh why..

gw males ni kalau udah mulai dependent gini. Gw pun juga menghindari figur cewe menye2 yg needy and super nagging. #EmotionalDementor

Oh well *bitchslap myself* mari skripsi-an yuks.

#MasDemDimSek Masa Depan Dimulai dari SekRIPSI

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Psycholo-what?

Gw lelah dan udah cape bikin skripsi.

I JUST NEED TO FINISH IT.

DAT'S ALL..

Tiap kali bkin skripsi, bawaannya mual dan pusing2 gitu (mungkin hamil) dan gw udah ENEQ se-ENEQ2nuya UMAT musti ngadepin si skripsi ini. But this is my passion, sejak Juli 2010. Iya, gw selama itu bkin skripsi. Gw procrastinated selama 6 bulan untuk bikin BAB I. Dan selama 2011, gw berdalih dengan alasan Vietnam, IYC dan Q!Film Festival. Dan sekarang semuanya sudah berakhir, gw harus berhadapan sama si skripsi ini. Setelah passion gw metong, baru gw musti ngerjain. Gila gak sih? Gw berasa kayak memaksakan diri untuk turn on di situasi LESBIAN BED DEATH..#lemparvibratorketongsampah

BAIKLAH, this is my passion, I have to finish it. Before my thesis adviser breaks up with me... #Nelongso #RelasiIlusi #TapiGwGakMauKehilanganDia

Btw, these are 2 of my best psy-jokes (masih nyari yg lain, at least to keep me sane)

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

Friday, October 28, 2011

A Whole New Chapter

Aaaa..... gw senang...

#NowPlaying Penguin - Avicii

Entah kenapa, lagu ini kayak memberikan pengharapan gitu. Beda tipis sama semangat anak muda yang menggebu-gebu. Well I guess this is a good start..

There's something about this girl. I dunno.. i know it wasnt love at 1st sight (meh, i dont believe such thing.. lust at first sight mungkin gw bisa percaya, but love? uuuu... masih butuh proses yang panjang, menurut gw) Balik deh ke bagian kenapa gw sukaaaa banget ma dia. Why do I crave for her? Why do I like her so much?

She is independent. Dia bisa hidup mandiri (kepaksa sih ya kayaknya.hihihi) Well, dia bisa jaga diri dengan baik, terlepas dari umurnya yang memang jauh diatas gw. Mungkin itu salah satu nilai plus juga untuk hubungan ini. Walaupun gw tauuuuuu, gw sadar bahwa umur gak menjamin kedewasaan seseorang, tapi gw udah mengobservasi dia selama beberapa waktu plus in depth interview. Hasilnya? Dia memang lebih dewasa. minimal lebih dewasa dari gw. Gw menemukan kenyamanan ketika gw bisa... apa ya? counting on her? Bukan dependent, cuma gw tau, gw nyaman dan aman sama dia. She took care of me very well when I had the accident. (aaa pengen nangis.. #terharu)

Oh iya, trait dia emang baik sih. BAIK in general. AS IN mostly to anyone. Apapun egoisme psikologi dibalik itu, tapi gw bisa ngeliat dia tulus sih. Altho she can be mean sometimes, gak ke gw, cuma gw rasa itu sih dia bisa membela dirinya sendiri. Asik kan dapet cewe yang gak menye2?

I'm chinese and she's being a jew. Ini sih yang dari awal gw udah dibriefing scara singkat. Hey, what the heck, I like you. Tenang aja, untuk masalah uang, kita bisa ngomongin smuanya kok. And guess what, dia kayak menerima (slash pasrah) kalau gw menjadi aktivis. Ngerti donk aktivis gimana idupnya? Hmm, uang belum menjadi masalah bagi kami saat ini.I work my ass off, so does she. So I guess, we both work really hard, doing what we love without any pressure to get a better job.

\m/É” --> this is how I say I love her. She's a non-verbal kinda girl. I had to learn sign language just to express my feeling krn gw pun gugup pas bilang gw sayang dia. LOVE is a strong word. I dont want to abuse it, so does she. hihi, apa dianya yang terlalu non-verbal ya? Dan gwnya yg terlalu ekspresif? You know me.. when it comes to feelings and emotions, I let all out. Gak enak rasanya nyimpen sesuatu di dalam hati? Am I too loud for you?

But the best part is we TALK A LOT. Dari SOP ketemu mantan gimana, kalau mau girls nite out gimana, pas nanti ortunya balik ke indo gimana, rencana kedepannya gimana, ahhh semuanya diomongin sama dia deh. I love honesty. Gak mau deh gw nyembunyiin ngangengong dari pacar, biarin aja dia tau dan kami bisa cari solusinya bareng daripada gw mati karena rasa bersalah atau nyimpen sesuatu sendirian. It sucks, I was the expert of it. I know how it feels to hid things from someone I loved. (menjelaskan gak kenapa gw udah coming out sama nyokap gw?) ahahaha..

Gosh, now I miss her. Beruang pemalas yang super adorable.. hihi.. Can I take you home, put you next to my gigantic panda so I can hug whenever I want? #DilemparPickleSamaMbakNeno

Ah, ga sabar untuk ketemu dia malem ini.. mau nonton 3 musketeers di bioskop kesayangan anda.. hihihi... Grrr, gmn gw gak makin sayang sama bear yang satu ini coba? Dia nonton film sampe castnya habis..she's a real programmer.. I like it ;)

Alrighty, gw tidur dulu, kalau something comes up, gw update lagi relasi slash sitcom slash comrom(enakan romedy gak sih?) #ngasal well, anw, logic does not compute (udah abis dipake skripsi)

PS: I'm writing this post to remind myself how cool she is. If anything should happens, I know where I can find the reference. 16th of Oct 2011.

01101001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101

Personality Disorder Test

[March 25th , 2009]


Paranoid: Low

Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder:

- Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults

- Excessive sensitivity to setbacks

- Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance

- Projection of blame onto others

- Consumed by anticipation of betrayal

- Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights

- Relentlessly suspicious

Schizoid: Low

Symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder:

- Weak interpersonal skills

- Difficulty expressing anger, even when provoked

- "Loner" mentality; avoidance of social situations

- Appear to others as remote, aloof, and unengaged

- Low sexual desire

- Unresponsive to praise or criticism

Schizotypal: High

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

Symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder:

- Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearance

- Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena

- Difficult to follow speech patterns

- Feelings of anxiety in social situations

- Suspiciousness and paranoia

- Odd beliefs or magical thinking

- Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others

Antisocial: Moderate

Symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder:

- Disregard for the feelings of others

- Impulsive and irresponsible decision-making

- Lack of remorse for harm done to others

- Lying, stealing, other criminal behaviors

- Disregard for the safety of self and others

Borderline: Moderate

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

- Self-injury or attempted suicide

- Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours

- Impulsive behavior

- Drug or alcohol abuse

- Feelings of low self-worth

- Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends


Histrionic: High

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder:

- Needs to be the center of attention

- Dresses or acts provocatively

- Rapidly-shifting and shallow emotions

- Exaggerates friendships

- Overly-dramatic, occassionally theatrical speech

- Easily influenced; highly suggestible

Narcissistic: Moderate

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

- Requires excessive praise and admiration

- Takes advantage of others

- Grandiose sense of self-importance

- Lack of empathy

- Lying, to self and others

- Obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty

Avoidant: High

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder:

- Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection

- Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations

- Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities

- Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude

- Desire for improved social relations

- Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly

- Creation of elaborate fantasy lives

Dependent: Very High

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed.

Symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder:

- Difficulty making decisions

- Feelings of helplessness when alone

- Suicidal thoughts upon rejection

- Submissiveness

- Deeply hurt by mild criticism or disapproval

- Unable to meet ordinary demands of life




Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

Symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder:

- Need for perfection and excessive discipline

- Preoccupation with orderliness

- Inflexibility

- Lack of generosity

- Hyper-focus on details and rules

- Excessive devotion to work

Sumber: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

I took the test just now. Just to procrastinate myself >.<

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I broke up with YOU(r Catholic guilt and your sister)

So I finally broke up with my 4,5 year GF. #Phew

Its a big step for me. I was the one who broke up with her. I broke up with this unhealthy relationship. I'm pursuing my happiness by making a huge decision to stop this emotional roller coaster.

Setelah kecelakaan minor yg mengakibatkan kaki dan jari gw baret2 dan penggantian nyaris 1 juta, we didnt talk that much until 1 night before Q!FF Opening Ceremony. Udah kayak boring old couple di film American Beauty. Tanggal 29 Sept 2011 gw lagi rapat dan masih BBM-an ma dia. She said she thought about giving up on me.. giving up on US. Tapi karena gw udah lelah dengan semua itu, sudahlah, gw putusin aja. Dengan kondisi gw masih ngetik risalah meeting, gw berusaha untuk putus senormal mungkin. Bilang deh gw pengecut krn gw mutusin via BBM, tapi gw akhirnya berhasil juga kan putus dari dia?

Hubungan kami udah putus nyambung gak jelas dan gw sudah bener-bener capek me-maintain relasi ini (mostly) sendirian. Kata temen gw, mungkin gw sudah lelah mencintai dia. But what is love anyway? I was not myself. I hid things instead of telling the truth. I didnt function well when we had a fight. Gw muak dengan perilaku ngambeknya dia. DRAMA yang pengen gw lihat pada saat itu hanyalah DVD DRAMA untuk pemutaran di Q!FF (Btw film ini bagus tentang 3 anak teater yang mengekspolrasi seksualitas mereka).

Akhirnya gw putusin malam itu dan hari Senin gw ketemu dia untuk ngebahas putusnya kami tuh kenapa aja sih. Gwnya udah berpikir mateng-mateng untuk lepas dari. Gw udah ngomong "I cannot do this anymore" sampe "I dont want to be in a relationship with you" just to make her realized that it was wayyy too late to fix it. Where was she when I gave her last chance? Where was she when I got that accident? Where was she every Saturday night?

Akhirnya setelah sesi tangis menangis, pelukan terakhir dan gak ada aneh2, gw yakin bahwa gw bisa move on. You know the feeling when you're about to relapse again into shitty relationship? Yes I had that feeling, but I could manage that pretty well. Sudah ya, lupakan janji-janji di bulan Juni.. Lupakan rencana-rencana kedepan yang ternyata memang cuma wacana aja. Dan.. gak perlu mikirin future-nya bakal gimana karena di hubungan yang salah. You're right. Our relationship was wrong. Gw gak bisa menandingi Tuhan dan tentunya kakak kesayanganmu. Now you are hers. #LepasTangan #Fatalis? #YaSudahLah You know, as much as I love my girl's family, bukan berarti gw invisible dan harus pacaran sama schedule kakaknya juga. It was just too much. I cried after she left. I cried for being the "bad guy" but also, for celebrating my freedom. Gw mikir, kenapa gw gak bisa seberani ini dari dulu? I DO DESERVE SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Itu terbukti sama relasi gw yang sekarang sih. Yuph, gw udah punya pacar. We're dating for 1 week I suppose. Just to make sure it was not CINTA LOKASI (yakali, FTV bener). Tapi dia udah ketemu gw terus dari pertengahan tahun untuk urusan Q! Awalnya gw juga kayak biasa aja sih. Makanya gw pun bersikap apa adanya. Taulah Q! kan isinya banyak cowok2. Gw udah amat sangat nyaman di lingkungan ini sehingga gw menunjukkan perilaku-perilaku extraordinary yang kadang sukses membuat gw terlihat bodoh. I smoke, I swear, I drink then got hammered pretty easily. Untungnya sekarang udah pinter ya minumnya untuk menghindari jackpot (I felt like a rockstar after Q! Party because I didnt get hammered unlike Aga.... #dikeplakpakeDVDPlayer )

Long story short, gw mulai lebih terbuka sama pacar gw yang skrg setelah gw putus dan emang dianya juga tau KODET. Dia bilang, gw gak mau mengusik cewek orang. Hal ini membuat gw ngerasa apa yah... (jeda) dihargai (?). Gw merasa harga diri gw kembali sedikit demi sedikit. Kadang kalau gw lagi ada masalah sama yg terdahulu, gw menerima karena gw merasa gw pantas mendapatkan itu. Bisa dibilang, harga diri gw udah hilang di laut deh. Ekspektasi akan pasangan dititik terendah, kerjaan gw adalah membuat senang pasangan tanpa mengetahui apakah gw senang juga atau tidak. Gosh, I felt stupid. Dan saat ini, gw mencoba untuk menyenangkan diri sendiri.

Oh iya, untuk mengklarifikasi aja, gw putus bukan karena pacar gw yang sekarang. Karena sampe detik ini gw pun belum tahu apakah dia sayang sama gw #DigeplakpakeMacBook . I mean, when I broke up, I didn't know if she likes me too. Jadi kalau setelah gw putus dan dia emang gak tertarik ma gw, gw yang akan nelongso. Tapi gw pun tetap tidak akan balikan ke mantan gw. Gw meminta dia untuk tidak ngehubungi gw selama 6 bulan. Aneh gak sih gw? Gw cuma gak mau ada yang mensabotase perasaan gw sampe dia bener-bener move on dan merasa content.

Now I'm happy. Gw gak perlu faking good, gw gak perlu mengemis-ngemis cinta, gw gak perlu berhadapan dengan perasaan bersalah, gw gak perlu menangis tengah malam dan bertanya-tanya kenapa pasangan ngambek setidaknya tiga kali seminggu, gw gak perlu menjawab "Ya kami akan menikah dengan laki-laki jika ada laki-laki yang menurut kami THE ONE dan pasangan harus siap untuk diputusin" ketika ditanya mau dibawa kemana hubungan lesbian kami, gw gak perlu merasa jomblo setiap malam minggu, gw gak perlu merasa insecure setiap malam cuma karena memikirkan kemungkinan untuk dicintai keesokkan harinya, dan gw gak perlu berdiam diri lalu bergumul sendirian ketika ada masalah dalam relasi.

Pacar gw yang sekarang... (jeda) #Mesem-mesem

Mungkin di postingan lainnya. Ah, senangnya blog gw bisa jadi tempat pembuangan sampah terakhir dan bank data untuk perkara love life gw. Hmm.. jadi pengen baca postingan yang lama-lama deh..

#SapaTauAdaYangBisaBikinNgakakMalem-Malem

Monday, July 18, 2011

Spider Lilies




Have u seen it?

Its about a girl's first love..She fell for her neighbor who is also a girl.

*end chat*

Gw mikir ini bkl jadi tipikal lesbian film yg berakhir drama, mati atau nikah ma cowok. (well, havent seen the ending yet, looking fwd to) cuma pas ditengah-tengah musti gw PAUSE krn gw terlalu me-relate hubungan gw ke dalam film ini.. (ujung2nya jadi wece2 drama gitu yg sdikit2 nangis)

Oh iya, pemeran lesbiannya ada 2 kan ya.. Si Rainie Yang, yg main di Meteor Garden jadi temen baiknya San Chai yang anak baik2. Terus sama yg satu lagi adalah Isabella Leong (hmm, gw ga tau dia main dimana aja, tp she's hot dan di film itu, dya mirip gt ma si pacar, rambut pendek dan kacamataan)

BOLEH BUNUH SAYA aja GAK SEKARANG?



Sex scenenya menarik banget. U cannot see anything but it was BEAUTIFUL = D

Udah kelar jadi wece2 drama, skarang lanjut jadi wece2 kerja double shift... fuf..

Friday, February 25, 2011

Sabtu Galau di 7-11 Menteng






*menghela nafas*

BOKKKKK, gak lucu kan ya gw nangis di 711 menteng..ditemenin ABABIL gak jelas.. [oke DROP]

mata gw yg sembab baru aja membaik..udah gak sesembab pas br bgn tadi.. Gilaaa, smlm nangis kejer.. gara2 eyke disudahi.. Gimana ya ngomongnya? diputusin ngga.. digantungin lebih tepatnya..

WHAT IS A BREAK TO U?

buat gw itu, BREAK masa2 transisi ke putus.. kayak masa percobaan buat TRIAL PUTUS beneran.,. itu dari segi si pesimis...tp si optimis akan bilang "ini masa2 dimana kita bisa introspeksi diri sendiri dan mencoba mencari apa yg kita mau" dan si TETOT akan bilang "Yah, gw mau kayak pacaran ma dya tp gak mau ngambek2 dan dramanya.." (-__-") orang idiot juga mau pacaran gak pake ngambek dan drama.. YA KALEEEE gw cari pacar bwt BREAK ketimbang bwt pacarannya..



Gw kmrn kan lg agak sinis2nya tuh ye soal cinta.. temen gw, Becky, bikin skripsi soal grief over break up gt..salah satu penjelasannya dya itu ada 1 kalimat : MANFAAT PACARAN. SPontan gw langsung tanya, "emang manfaat pcaran apaan beck?" gw KEPO SE-KEPO-KEPOnya banci KEPO.. please tell me... apa esensi berpacaran.. the way i see every couple, kayaknya DRAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA mulu.. GILA KALI YAK, klo gw gak mau drama, pacaran aja sama diri sendiri..kemungkinan drama-nya lebih kecil..walaupun gw gak tau sih apakah gw akan available untuk diri gw sendiri atau tidak.. kadang gw ngerasa kangen aja gitu..udah lama ga menyayangi diri sendiri.. terlalu sibuk menyayangkan orang lain..tp kadang emang hasilnya kurang maksimal.. LIKE A G6 [anjrit gw random parah]


As I was saying, dengan segala drama yg ada.. gw tetep mau memperbaiki hubungan ini.. tp klo memang dya-nya ga mau.. FIXED nelongso donk gw.. gw keknya ketularan Miss SOMALIA nih yg pasrah dan nerimo, @ngephotii .. Tulisan gw makin random, if ure kind enuf, boleh gw di analisa.. klo lebih baik lg, temenin gw ke konseling krn gw ga brani.. kadang emg suka tolol gw, cerita di blog yg bs smua org liat brani, crita sama 1 org yg bisa dipercaya gw masih TAKUT ampe skrg.. pffft...

(ditulis tanggal 25 Februari 2011..fixed pas galau)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

random..you dont wanna know

Udah lama banget ga update blog.. ampe ditegur sama @POSH_DEN wkwkwkw..

life's been absurd deh dari awal februari. God knows why.. Gw ngerasa kerjaan gw oke, skirpsi gw berjalan walaupun perlahan-lahan, dan love life gw juga, hmm, M'KAY? [ala guru BK di south park, mkay?] everything is fine.. which is not fine.. karena gw merasa WAS-WAS..ngeri sih klo mendadak ada major life event kayak "adek gw bundir di kamar pake IDE GW"

iya tuh, soal smlm, gw kmrn sempet parno slash kesel ma adek gw yg ngunci diri di kamar dari jem 9 mlm..gw gedor2 pintu tapi ga ada suara sama skali.. "IHHHHH LO MAU BUNDIR CARI IDE SENDIRIIIII.. dont steal mine" parno donk gw. Gw share lah keparnoan gw sama si mama.. dan dya kayaknya santai2 aja jawabnya "yah minimal gak usah bayar uang sekolah lg" hmm, oh well.. kematian kayaknya bukan sesuatu yg ditakutkan di keluarga gw.

Gw orangnya mudah puas. Ketika achievement level gw masih bisa dioptimalkan, gw buru2 seneng dan puas. *mengehela nafas*

BOSEN KAN YA GW CRITA SOAL LOVE LIFE GUWEEEEE???

*fast forward sampe bagian yg lebih menyenangkan*

oh iyaaa, temen2 gw udah banyak yg S.Psi.. CONGratz to all of them..smoga gw bisa menyusul tahun ini..walaupun gw akan tetep apply buat beasiswa tahun 2011/2012 [jaga2 deh ah] wkwkwk.. pengen lah cepet2 lulus, krn gw mengejar 1 bulan menjadi pengangguran bis itu urusin organisasi dulu NGENGONG2..bis itu find a job, anything asal halal [kapan KAYA-nya val?]

okay, gw gak jadi soppy love story krn gw baruuuuu aja browsing demotivational pictures..will be on my FB soon and God forgive me...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Menurut L?

Kemarin gw tiba2 bilang:

"I AM FURIOUS BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS IT"

wajah datar..intonasi suara yang biasa aja.. i felt so stiff and weird.

random sih ya, kadang gw mikir,

"WEEE mentang2 gw extrovert yang easy going, IT IS SO OKAY TO HURT ME.. I CANNOT FEEL ANY PAIN SINCE I HAVE NO SAD FEELING" [tolong diucapkan dengan gaya @ngephotii yg kudu teriak2 dan lebay]

its difficult being a vivacious girl without getting hurt.. ntah mereka ignorant apa emang careless tp somehow gw udah ditakdirkan untuk bahagia.. stab me in the back, si valent pasti ketawa.. marahin gw, pasti si valent cuma senyum2 aja.. OMG, kalau gw bisa begitu tanpa musti MASUK RSJ, gw juga mau deh.. people simply cannot take me seriously and put a sign on my forehead "HURT ME, I'M TOO HAPPY TO BE A HUMAN"

Gila ih, gw harus berhadapan sama banyak orang insecure.. kadang suka susah juga.. kalau gw gak ada, mereka metong bundir karena gak ada bahan gurauan gimana?hmm, tp klo dibiarin, gwnya yg sakit hati.. [teriakan ala ngepot tiba2 terngiang di kepala gw"SAKITIN GUWE AJEEE, kalian happy gw nelongso BODOIN AMAT"]

hmm, kadang cape sih to put up with people's shit.. please, if i have to deal with ur low self esteem, make an appointment and follow the fucking procedures, will u?

Am I furious enough? Perlahan2 ya.. ini curhatan tahun 2010 baru tersalurkan..

Rejection



Where should I start? Hmm.. *ganti ke playlist yg lebih mellow dulu biar lebih dapet FEELnya*

#NowPlaying Rag Doll- Maroon 5

Most of people cannot cope very well with REJECTION.. Banyak rejection yg bisa UJUG2 dateng.. Kayak DIPUTUSIN PACAR [periiih], ditolak gebetan, gak ketrima di universitas di Depok yang mirip hutan, gak dapet kerjaan yang menghasilkan 4 juta sebulan padahal masih fresh graduate, atau simply gak dapet PIA LEGOG karena keabisan[dan encim2 disebelah dapet brapa kotaaaaak gitu].

Dalam hidup ini kita punya [terlalu] banyak kesempatan untuk merasakan penolakan. Minor events yang sebenernya gak signifikan untuk dapet atensi mendadak bisa bikin seseorang jadi drama queen. Contoh disekitar gw udah terlalu banyak sampe2 gw MUAK sama yang namanya drama [halah, tadi siang elu nonton FTV buat apaan lagi klo kagak nyari DRAMAnya?]

ANYWAY, [sensor bagian curhat] gw merasakan FAEDAHnya setelah jutaan kali ditolak. Penolakan dari berbagai pihak kayak SMP PL yg nolak gw, boy crush dari umur 3 tahun, ini lah itu lah..hadeuh, buanyak...klo disebutin satu2, yg ada gw bisa sakit hati lagi [halah, isu belaka]

Love life gw lah yg mgkin paling mendominasi dari hidup gw [baca: klo gw galau, skripsi gak jalan..bakal nangis gw di kamar, sibuk cyinnn]. Gw ma pacar gw kan udah mau 4 tahun yah.. Jadian juga setelah nembak 4 kali baru diterima [bayangin aja 3 kali ditolak.. HITS! dan gw pantang mundur] dan slama 4 tahun, ada kalanya gw ngedate sebulan skali. ada kalanya gw gak ketemu slama berbulan-bulan. telponan cuma 1 bulan skali. Nginep bareng staun skali itu udah bagus banget.

KALO ORANG PADA UMUMNYA, gw rasa pacaran kek begitu agak menyebalkan dan SUPER #GENGGES [oh iya, MST PAKE HASHTAG biar masuk twitter..ya kalee]

Dinamika relasi kami memang unusual dan a bit unique karena gw terkenal dengan anak yang terlalu out-going dan dia bukan tipe yg seperti itu.. batesan2nya dia terlalu banyak [bahkan gw kagak tau jam malamnya dia karena ketemu dia selalu kena sinar matahari yang CENKKKK banget itu]

Gak jarang gw di-sms-in [haha!we're not using BB..daripada ribut soal Delivered/Read ya kan??] :
1. Sorry gak bisa, bsk sibuk ngampus
2. Aduh maaf banget tiba2 mendadak ada *apa gitu* jadi gak bisa ketemuan sekarang
3. wah liat ntar ya..[brarti ini musti di follow up lagi]

penolakan2 kayak begitu udah jadi hal yang biasa bagi gw. awalnya gw ngamuk, tp tau sendiri gw gak bisa ngamuk jadinya gw ngegalau di kamar. gw melewati beberapa tahap:
kesel - sebel - marah - coba menerima - denial - coba empati - coba konseling - pasrah- menerima

Proses itu gak mudah dan sangat menyakitkan [not to mention berapa lama yg gw butuhkan ampe kondisi "menerima"]. Gw tersadarkan bahwa penolakan itu adalah suatu yang wajar dan gw gak perlu bitch about it because its time-consuming dan menguras TENAGA. Gw gak mau cape untuk hal yang sebenarnya cuma ada di persepsi gw doank. Dengan gw bersedih2, yg ada ntar gw mikir negative dan rusaklah self esteem dan self worth gw.

CONTOH: Cinta si Mbek ngga diterima sama si Mimi. Si Mbek sakit hati, ngurung diri di kamar, gak mau makan berhari-hari dan mikir betapa tidak menariknya dia [and so on] lalu akhirnya bunuh diri makan pudding baygon. Happy ending.

To be perfectly honest, GW GAK ADA WAKTU UNTUK ITU.. kalo ude galau, bisa buka cityville.. klo udah stuck, bisa dijamah tuh skripsi.. klo baru buka file skripsi udah muntah, bisa kerjain materi buat murid les.. klo udah selesai dan MASIH MURE, bisa bbm anak2 klo ada yg mure dan bisa diajak konko [baca: nanya kerjaan yg available].. ada aja kerjaan..

klo bisa di COMPARE waktu yg terbuang untuk galau dan waktu yg dipakai untuk lebih produktif, lebih menguntungkan yg kemana coba?

Kalau kata FA [www.orgasmingorganism.com] galau itu bisa menyebabkan gendut. tau kenapa? Galau - nangis - laper- makan - gendut
dan jgn lupa dampak fisik dari nangis itu kepala pusing, mata sembab, nausea, dan badan jd anget. ITU UDAH OBVIOUS banget dan gw menghindari itu sebisa mungkin.
Dampak psikisnya lebih beragam lagi.. dari merasa rendah diri, tidak atraktif, tidak pintar, penyesalan yang bertubi2, depresi sampe berdampak ke usaha bunuh diri. INI JUGA OBVIOUS.

So, balik ke rejection, its all about ur perception.. memang sih ditolak itu menyakitkan dan mengecewakan. So what r u going to do? just sit and die? we, humans, move on..

If u cannot get over it, cobalah bicara ke anak psikologi terdekat atau cuss ke psikolognya juga boleh. Penolakan itu akan sering terjadi, gimana kita menghadapinya yang berbeda-beda.. if u're psychologically mature enough, u'll get over it in no time..if u don't, [jeda 5 menit] are u feeling insecure?

*pengen nulis 1 section lagi tapi dibatalkan akibat pertimbangan penulis*