Friday, October 28, 2011

A Whole New Chapter

Aaaa..... gw senang...

#NowPlaying Penguin - Avicii

Entah kenapa, lagu ini kayak memberikan pengharapan gitu. Beda tipis sama semangat anak muda yang menggebu-gebu. Well I guess this is a good start..

There's something about this girl. I dunno.. i know it wasnt love at 1st sight (meh, i dont believe such thing.. lust at first sight mungkin gw bisa percaya, but love? uuuu... masih butuh proses yang panjang, menurut gw) Balik deh ke bagian kenapa gw sukaaaa banget ma dia. Why do I crave for her? Why do I like her so much?

She is independent. Dia bisa hidup mandiri (kepaksa sih ya kayaknya.hihihi) Well, dia bisa jaga diri dengan baik, terlepas dari umurnya yang memang jauh diatas gw. Mungkin itu salah satu nilai plus juga untuk hubungan ini. Walaupun gw tauuuuuu, gw sadar bahwa umur gak menjamin kedewasaan seseorang, tapi gw udah mengobservasi dia selama beberapa waktu plus in depth interview. Hasilnya? Dia memang lebih dewasa. minimal lebih dewasa dari gw. Gw menemukan kenyamanan ketika gw bisa... apa ya? counting on her? Bukan dependent, cuma gw tau, gw nyaman dan aman sama dia. She took care of me very well when I had the accident. (aaa pengen nangis.. #terharu)

Oh iya, trait dia emang baik sih. BAIK in general. AS IN mostly to anyone. Apapun egoisme psikologi dibalik itu, tapi gw bisa ngeliat dia tulus sih. Altho she can be mean sometimes, gak ke gw, cuma gw rasa itu sih dia bisa membela dirinya sendiri. Asik kan dapet cewe yang gak menye2?

I'm chinese and she's being a jew. Ini sih yang dari awal gw udah dibriefing scara singkat. Hey, what the heck, I like you. Tenang aja, untuk masalah uang, kita bisa ngomongin smuanya kok. And guess what, dia kayak menerima (slash pasrah) kalau gw menjadi aktivis. Ngerti donk aktivis gimana idupnya? Hmm, uang belum menjadi masalah bagi kami saat ini.I work my ass off, so does she. So I guess, we both work really hard, doing what we love without any pressure to get a better job.

\m/ɔ --> this is how I say I love her. She's a non-verbal kinda girl. I had to learn sign language just to express my feeling krn gw pun gugup pas bilang gw sayang dia. LOVE is a strong word. I dont want to abuse it, so does she. hihi, apa dianya yang terlalu non-verbal ya? Dan gwnya yg terlalu ekspresif? You know me.. when it comes to feelings and emotions, I let all out. Gak enak rasanya nyimpen sesuatu di dalam hati? Am I too loud for you?

But the best part is we TALK A LOT. Dari SOP ketemu mantan gimana, kalau mau girls nite out gimana, pas nanti ortunya balik ke indo gimana, rencana kedepannya gimana, ahhh semuanya diomongin sama dia deh. I love honesty. Gak mau deh gw nyembunyiin ngangengong dari pacar, biarin aja dia tau dan kami bisa cari solusinya bareng daripada gw mati karena rasa bersalah atau nyimpen sesuatu sendirian. It sucks, I was the expert of it. I know how it feels to hid things from someone I loved. (menjelaskan gak kenapa gw udah coming out sama nyokap gw?) ahahaha..

Gosh, now I miss her. Beruang pemalas yang super adorable.. hihi.. Can I take you home, put you next to my gigantic panda so I can hug whenever I want? #DilemparPickleSamaMbakNeno

Ah, ga sabar untuk ketemu dia malem ini.. mau nonton 3 musketeers di bioskop kesayangan anda.. hihihi... Grrr, gmn gw gak makin sayang sama bear yang satu ini coba? Dia nonton film sampe castnya habis..she's a real programmer.. I like it ;)

Alrighty, gw tidur dulu, kalau something comes up, gw update lagi relasi slash sitcom slash comrom(enakan romedy gak sih?) #ngasal well, anw, logic does not compute (udah abis dipake skripsi)

PS: I'm writing this post to remind myself how cool she is. If anything should happens, I know where I can find the reference. 16th of Oct 2011.

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Personality Disorder Test

[March 25th , 2009]

Paranoid: Low

Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder:

- Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults

- Excessive sensitivity to setbacks

- Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance

- Projection of blame onto others

- Consumed by anticipation of betrayal

- Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights

- Relentlessly suspicious

Schizoid: Low

Symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder:

- Weak interpersonal skills

- Difficulty expressing anger, even when provoked

- "Loner" mentality; avoidance of social situations

- Appear to others as remote, aloof, and unengaged

- Low sexual desire

- Unresponsive to praise or criticism

Schizotypal: High

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

Symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder:

- Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearance

- Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena

- Difficult to follow speech patterns

- Feelings of anxiety in social situations

- Suspiciousness and paranoia

- Odd beliefs or magical thinking

- Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others

Antisocial: Moderate

Symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder:

- Disregard for the feelings of others

- Impulsive and irresponsible decision-making

- Lack of remorse for harm done to others

- Lying, stealing, other criminal behaviors

- Disregard for the safety of self and others

Borderline: Moderate

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

- Self-injury or attempted suicide

- Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours

- Impulsive behavior

- Drug or alcohol abuse

- Feelings of low self-worth

- Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends

Histrionic: High

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder:

- Needs to be the center of attention

- Dresses or acts provocatively

- Rapidly-shifting and shallow emotions

- Exaggerates friendships

- Overly-dramatic, occassionally theatrical speech

- Easily influenced; highly suggestible

Narcissistic: Moderate

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

- Requires excessive praise and admiration

- Takes advantage of others

- Grandiose sense of self-importance

- Lack of empathy

- Lying, to self and others

- Obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty

Avoidant: High

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder:

- Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection

- Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations

- Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities

- Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude

- Desire for improved social relations

- Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly

- Creation of elaborate fantasy lives

Dependent: Very High

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed.

Symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder:

- Difficulty making decisions

- Feelings of helplessness when alone

- Suicidal thoughts upon rejection

- Submissiveness

- Deeply hurt by mild criticism or disapproval

- Unable to meet ordinary demands of life

Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

Symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder:

- Need for perfection and excessive discipline

- Preoccupation with orderliness

- Inflexibility

- Lack of generosity

- Hyper-focus on details and rules

- Excessive devotion to work


I took the test just now. Just to procrastinate myself >.<

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

URL of the test:
URL for more info:

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I broke up with YOU(r Catholic guilt and your sister)

So I finally broke up with my 4,5 year GF. #Phew

Its a big step for me. I was the one who broke up with her. I broke up with this unhealthy relationship. I'm pursuing my happiness by making a huge decision to stop this emotional roller coaster.

Setelah kecelakaan minor yg mengakibatkan kaki dan jari gw baret2 dan penggantian nyaris 1 juta, we didnt talk that much until 1 night before Q!FF Opening Ceremony. Udah kayak boring old couple di film American Beauty. Tanggal 29 Sept 2011 gw lagi rapat dan masih BBM-an ma dia. She said she thought about giving up on me.. giving up on US. Tapi karena gw udah lelah dengan semua itu, sudahlah, gw putusin aja. Dengan kondisi gw masih ngetik risalah meeting, gw berusaha untuk putus senormal mungkin. Bilang deh gw pengecut krn gw mutusin via BBM, tapi gw akhirnya berhasil juga kan putus dari dia?

Hubungan kami udah putus nyambung gak jelas dan gw sudah bener-bener capek me-maintain relasi ini (mostly) sendirian. Kata temen gw, mungkin gw sudah lelah mencintai dia. But what is love anyway? I was not myself. I hid things instead of telling the truth. I didnt function well when we had a fight. Gw muak dengan perilaku ngambeknya dia. DRAMA yang pengen gw lihat pada saat itu hanyalah DVD DRAMA untuk pemutaran di Q!FF (Btw film ini bagus tentang 3 anak teater yang mengekspolrasi seksualitas mereka).

Akhirnya gw putusin malam itu dan hari Senin gw ketemu dia untuk ngebahas putusnya kami tuh kenapa aja sih. Gwnya udah berpikir mateng-mateng untuk lepas dari. Gw udah ngomong "I cannot do this anymore" sampe "I dont want to be in a relationship with you" just to make her realized that it was wayyy too late to fix it. Where was she when I gave her last chance? Where was she when I got that accident? Where was she every Saturday night?

Akhirnya setelah sesi tangis menangis, pelukan terakhir dan gak ada aneh2, gw yakin bahwa gw bisa move on. You know the feeling when you're about to relapse again into shitty relationship? Yes I had that feeling, but I could manage that pretty well. Sudah ya, lupakan janji-janji di bulan Juni.. Lupakan rencana-rencana kedepan yang ternyata memang cuma wacana aja. Dan.. gak perlu mikirin future-nya bakal gimana karena di hubungan yang salah. You're right. Our relationship was wrong. Gw gak bisa menandingi Tuhan dan tentunya kakak kesayanganmu. Now you are hers. #LepasTangan #Fatalis? #YaSudahLah You know, as much as I love my girl's family, bukan berarti gw invisible dan harus pacaran sama schedule kakaknya juga. It was just too much. I cried after she left. I cried for being the "bad guy" but also, for celebrating my freedom. Gw mikir, kenapa gw gak bisa seberani ini dari dulu? I DO DESERVE SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Itu terbukti sama relasi gw yang sekarang sih. Yuph, gw udah punya pacar. We're dating for 1 week I suppose. Just to make sure it was not CINTA LOKASI (yakali, FTV bener). Tapi dia udah ketemu gw terus dari pertengahan tahun untuk urusan Q! Awalnya gw juga kayak biasa aja sih. Makanya gw pun bersikap apa adanya. Taulah Q! kan isinya banyak cowok2. Gw udah amat sangat nyaman di lingkungan ini sehingga gw menunjukkan perilaku-perilaku extraordinary yang kadang sukses membuat gw terlihat bodoh. I smoke, I swear, I drink then got hammered pretty easily. Untungnya sekarang udah pinter ya minumnya untuk menghindari jackpot (I felt like a rockstar after Q! Party because I didnt get hammered unlike Aga.... #dikeplakpakeDVDPlayer )

Long story short, gw mulai lebih terbuka sama pacar gw yang skrg setelah gw putus dan emang dianya juga tau KODET. Dia bilang, gw gak mau mengusik cewek orang. Hal ini membuat gw ngerasa apa yah... (jeda) dihargai (?). Gw merasa harga diri gw kembali sedikit demi sedikit. Kadang kalau gw lagi ada masalah sama yg terdahulu, gw menerima karena gw merasa gw pantas mendapatkan itu. Bisa dibilang, harga diri gw udah hilang di laut deh. Ekspektasi akan pasangan dititik terendah, kerjaan gw adalah membuat senang pasangan tanpa mengetahui apakah gw senang juga atau tidak. Gosh, I felt stupid. Dan saat ini, gw mencoba untuk menyenangkan diri sendiri.

Oh iya, untuk mengklarifikasi aja, gw putus bukan karena pacar gw yang sekarang. Karena sampe detik ini gw pun belum tahu apakah dia sayang sama gw #DigeplakpakeMacBook . I mean, when I broke up, I didn't know if she likes me too. Jadi kalau setelah gw putus dan dia emang gak tertarik ma gw, gw yang akan nelongso. Tapi gw pun tetap tidak akan balikan ke mantan gw. Gw meminta dia untuk tidak ngehubungi gw selama 6 bulan. Aneh gak sih gw? Gw cuma gak mau ada yang mensabotase perasaan gw sampe dia bener-bener move on dan merasa content.

Now I'm happy. Gw gak perlu faking good, gw gak perlu mengemis-ngemis cinta, gw gak perlu berhadapan dengan perasaan bersalah, gw gak perlu menangis tengah malam dan bertanya-tanya kenapa pasangan ngambek setidaknya tiga kali seminggu, gw gak perlu menjawab "Ya kami akan menikah dengan laki-laki jika ada laki-laki yang menurut kami THE ONE dan pasangan harus siap untuk diputusin" ketika ditanya mau dibawa kemana hubungan lesbian kami, gw gak perlu merasa jomblo setiap malam minggu, gw gak perlu merasa insecure setiap malam cuma karena memikirkan kemungkinan untuk dicintai keesokkan harinya, dan gw gak perlu berdiam diri lalu bergumul sendirian ketika ada masalah dalam relasi.

Pacar gw yang sekarang... (jeda) #Mesem-mesem

Mungkin di postingan lainnya. Ah, senangnya blog gw bisa jadi tempat pembuangan sampah terakhir dan bank data untuk perkara love life gw. Hmm.. jadi pengen baca postingan yang lama-lama deh..