Thursday, December 29, 2011

Refleksi 2011

I arrived at home and I felt half-empty. This is not the usual "me". Tahun 2011 memang mengobrak-abrik hidup gw sedemikian rupa sampai titik dimana gw bener-bener perlu nulis resolusi 2012.

Hmm... apa aja yang sudah gw lakukan 1 tahun ini?

Well, bisa dibilang tahun ini tahunnya gw menjadi banci conference. Setelah thn 2010 menjadi banci volunteer yang ternyata dipaksakan hingga tahun ini (dan tahun depan, dan mgkin tahun-tahun berikutnya) but to be perfectly honest, I'm tired (and maybe bored) with this volunteer stuff. I had my time last year, so I thought I should find something to keep me excited (?) and passionate in life. So yeah, I was the conference freak. I attended this and that conference, dari binus, Hotel Ciputra sampe melanglang buana ke Vietnam. Kontennya tetep seputar HAM dan seksualitas. I thought it wud give me reference for my thesis, well it DID. Walaupun gw sudah sukses procrastinate slama berbulan-bulan. TAPI bab 5 akhirnya kelar pas desember akhir. Menurut gw sih, gw sudah berada di jalan yang benar *langit terbuka, tutup mata karena cahaya terang*

Well, beside that, I made some new friends from all over ASEAN countries. Ada KIKO, gay filipino yang klo joget aduhai banget (I thought he would make my friend gay, ehh taunya temen gw jadian sama partnernya.. sekarang hidup bahagia di KL. meh #sirik), ada Giang, cewe viet yang baik dan ramah cuma baru putus cinta karena laki-laki Indonesia menyia2kan dia (YOUR LOSS, not her), ada temen2 dari Youth Network yang dgn BRILIANnya menciptakan group itu di FB jadi remaja galau bisa lebih berkontribusi (dalam unsur apapun deh, this group is awesome, thanks to mas Aquinowhhh dan Inalisme). Ahhh gila banget, gak sia2 thn ini gw buat kartu nama IYC, minimal bisa gw sebar di ladang yg bener.

Organisasi yang gw ikutin juga oke-oke. Kompsi (aih,aku bangga banget pake jaket KOMPSI, not to mention the fantastic team), IYC (aku nangis pas IYC kelar, bangga sama kalian, baik peserta maupun panitia yang berkontribusi pada acara ini) dan yang terakhir Q-munity (setelah melewati banyak drama dan tantangan, masih tetep sukses ya cyin). Gw amat sangat bersyukur bisa menjadi bagian dari organisasi hebat yg udah gw mention di atas. I did my best to make it HAPPEN, hopefully the impact can make a difference = )

Phew, apalagi yah? Relationship? I did have the 4th anniversarry and threw it all away after a life-changing experience. It's the best decision of the year, I suppose. Bosen kaaaan gw nelongso mulu? Dan gw udah lebih tau arah ketika mencari pasangan. Therefore I am in a relationship with my pedobear. Enuf said, sudah gw jelaskan di postingan2 sebelumnya.

But I MISS MY FRIENDS. Iya, gw kangen temen lama gw. Baik temen kampus kayak Dennis, Ogi dan geng mure, temen2 @fam (yg dulu anggotanya 13 kmrn ktemuan cuma ber3, dont sad cyin), temen2 judi yg slalu bikin gw ngakak (ngepot lala jibon) dan yg pasti, my soulsister, si Gentonk laknat itu. I miss them so much, gw berasa makin jauh sama mereka karena pelacuran gw di organisasi makin gencar dan relasi baru gw. Therefore, kadang gw suka approach personal ke mereka walaupun kebersamaan dari 1 grup itu beda ya. I miss sneaking out, i miss playing juday, kangen konko2 hits sama Royal Mure Family. Gw ketinggalan banyak sekali gosip.

WELL..

YOU GAIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME >.<

tahun depan semoga jadi teman yang lebih baik. Semoga tahun depan gw udah jadi S.Psi, hubungan pertemanan bisa lebih baik dan dapet kerjaan dgn penghasilan tetap yang minimal bisa untuk hidup sebulan + ngasih nyokap + dimas.

I feel like I'm about to cry. Kegalauan setelah lulus itu wajar kan? Hmm.. Baiklah, gw sudahi dulu postingan malam ini. Gw kayak udah mau mati abis main2 di waterbom sama Kasim (FYI, waterbom di PIK, rumah gw di selatan, 11 12 sih, jalannya juga cuma lurus2 aja, cuma jauhnya MASYAALLAH dan gw naik motor #meh)

Btw, what have you done in 2011?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Moving On

[DESPITE THE FACT I ALREADY HAVE A WONDERFUL GIRLFRIEND]

Moving on is HARDDDDDDD.. (pake nada nagging needy girl)

30 menit sebelumnya, gw menerima telpon dari temen baik gw. Dia curhat mengenai relasinya gitu. Perlahan2 gw sadar, kok gw jadi proyeksi ya? Dan dari kesadaran itu, gw langsung bergegas untuk menulis blog *hap2*

Gw tidak akan menceritakan konten curhatannya krn dia pun punya blog pribadinya (aku suka baca juga lhooo ^^) Tapi gw tadi menangkap ceritanya dia sebagai pasangan yang helpless dalam relasi tidak sehat. I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR POSITION, Girl. Dya bilang "Gw ga menyangka, even elo yg happy-go-lucky, bisa merasa insecure ky gitu" ketika gw bilang "gmn sih perasaan lo? takut akan gak disayang esok hari? atau sekedar bertanya2 kalau bkl ada drama esok hari?" I mean, IT IS NORMAL, baik pasangannya cewe atau cowok.

Dya salut krn gw bisa mengakhiri hubungan gw. But little did she know, it is not easy to move on. MAU GIMANA pun juga, mantan ada di hidup gw kurang lebih 4,5 tahun. Dari jaman SMA sampe dia udah kelar kuliah (gw belom, sedih! COMING SOON, dont sad!) pasti udah banyak event yang dilalui, pasti ada suka dukanya. Sekali lagi gw tekankan, terlepas dari kenyataan gw udah ada pacar baru. Proses moving on gw, bagi sebagian orang, terLIHAT cukup cepat. Bayangin aja, putus 29 September 2011, jadian lagi tggl 16 Oktober 2011. Tapi mereka ga tahu bahwa gw udah mencoba move on seminggu sebelum kami putus. Kecelakaan itu bener2 nampar gw sih. Walau gak seheboh putusnya Shila yg mengakibatkan berpuluh2 juta (dan berakhir balikan [lagi]), luka fisik dan finansial(siyal banget emang, keluarin sejuta cuma krn nabrak mobil lagi PARKIR) itu bikin gw mikir berkali-kali dan mencoba move on sejak saat itu.

Its been three months now.. Jangan dipikir gw tenang-tenang aja. Gw juga gelisah, gw merasa bersalah krn jadi "orang yang mutusin" dan krn gw bukan DEWA, gw pun ada perasaan kangen.

Did I miss her? Yes
Did I miss her companionship? Yes

Did I tell her? No
Did I contact her to keep in touch? No
Do I want to be with her? No

Gw gak denial deh, perasaan itu pasti ada, tapi gak ujuk2 langsung gw lakukan. (again) terlepas gw berpotensi menyakiti pasangan gw, gw lebih gak mau menyakiti diri sendiri. Sama aja kaya gw udah susah2, gw udah bisa menyayangi diri sendiri, trus tiba2 gw musti mengalami kemunduran cuma karena perasaan sesaat.

#merinding

Semakin cepat gw mengidentifikasikan masalah, semakin cepat move on (walau sakitnya mgkin berbeda di tiap orang), semakin cepat menuju kebahagiaan. My friend always says YOU ARE the one who responsible of ur own happiness = ) Dengan mengakhiri obsesi gw akan mantan gw, gw ngerasa adanya kelegaan.

Untuk kedepannya, setelah program 6 bulan gak berhubungan ma mantan, semoga bisa abis deh sisa2 attachmentnya. Letting me go as well as letting her go. Udah cukup ya tarik ulurnya dan masa penantian jangka panjang. Selamat menempuh hidup baru ala2 gitu gw. wkwkwk.. It is the best for us (gw nominasiin sbg best decision in 2011 bahkan). Sebenernya gw masih mau ceritain this and that-what if- if only blah blah woof woof tp ga relevan sama postingan kali ini. Oh well, I have all the time in the world..

Hmm.. have you moved on?

Ya soshla s uma

I just need to post this. Really2 need to post this and I'm losing my point. #meh #kecewa

Ya soshla s uma (All the thing she said) - t.A.T.u

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma

Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her)

YA SOSHLA S UMA
(I've lost my mind)

Menya polnost'yu net
Absolyutno vser'yoz
Situatsiya "help"
Situatsiya "SOS"
(I'm completely nothing
This is absolutely serious
Situation "Help"
Situation "SOS")

Ya sebya ne poimu
Ty okuda vzyalas'
Pochemu, pochumu
Na tebya povelas'
(I don't understand myself
Where did you come from
Why, why
Am I attracted to you)

Vyklyuchayetsya svet
Ya kuda-to lechu
Bez tebya menya net
Nichego ne hochu
(The lights switch off
I'm flying somewhere
Without you I don't exist
There is nothing I want)

Eto medlenniy yad
Eto svodit c uma
A oni govoryat - vinovata sama
A oni govoryat - vinovata sama
(It's a slow poison
It's driving me mad
And they say - It's my fault
And they say - It's my fault)

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her)

YA SOSHLA S UMA
MNE NUZHNA ONA
(I've lost my mind
I NEED HER)

Bez tebya ya ne ya
Bez tebya menya net
A oni govoryat
Govoryat eto bred
(Without you I'm not me
Without you I don't exist
And they say
They say it's delirium)

Eto solnechniy yad
Zolotiye luchi
A oni govoryat
Nado srochno lechit'
(It's sunlight poison
Golden rays
But they say
I need to be cured immediately)

Ya hotela zabyt'
Do upora I vniz
Ya schitala stolby
I rasteryannih ptits
(I wanted to forget how
I hit the wall and slid down
and I counted the poles
and confused birds)

Bez tebya menya net
Otpusti. otpusti
Do ugla po stenye
Mama-papa prosti
(Without you I don't exist
Let me go. let me go
I'm cornered
Mom and Dad forgive me)

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her)

Raz, dva posle pyati
Mama papa prosti
Ya soshla s uma
Raz, dva posle pyati
Mama papa prosti
Ya soshla s uma
(One, two after five
Mom and dad forgive me
I've lost my mind
One, two after five
Mom and dad forgive me
I've lost my mind)

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzhna ona, mne nuzhna ona
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I need her, I need her)

Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma
Ya soshla s uma, ya soshla s uma...
(I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind
I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind...)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

It's the most wonderful time of the year


Merry Christmas all.. (btw that is IYC official Xmas e-Card..yayy! Thanks to our fantastic creative team)

Btw this is my FIRST Christmas eve with girlfriend. How cool is that? Hihi, gw seneng banget, walaupun dia sebenernya gak merayakan natal, well we did and are still celebrating Christmas, tho. I'm happy.

Malem ini kami dinner di bengkel gaulnya Nyah, ditemani oleh Om dan Tante Gaul, cicinya Nyah dan teman2nya, PLUS BOPI (Kambing/Domba/Beruang Kutub/Anjing Besar-nya Nyah). Makanannya gak jauh beda sama tahun lalu dan ada UDANG GEDONG buatan tante... MasyaAllah enak banget. Kalau tiap hari Natal, fixed masuk harapan kita deh nih. #Pegang2Leher #kokpegelya #KolesterolKali

Terus Abe dateng jem11an, langsung deh rumpi2 gitu. Aaaa, tahun ini aku membawa pacarrrrr.. thn lalu kan Abe dan Nyah yang ditemani pacar (gantian yaaa) terlepas dari drama di bengkel dan drama motor gw, gw cukup puas dengan event hari ini. It was GREAT. Gw kayak udah 22 tahun menunggu kapaaaan bisa natalan bareng pacar. Gak diduga aja bisa natalan sama pacar, terlebih karena dia berbeda agama. Tp picik banget sih pikiran org2 yg mikir natal cuma buat yg merayakan. Even ngucapin "Met Natal" aja menurut gw gak dosa ah. #LirikAlandaYangBaruSharePengalamannya Christmas is for EVERYONE =D

Oh iya, tadi pas di bengkel, kami ga ngucapin natal sama skali kayaknya (soalnya udah heboh di twittah) tapi lucu sih, pas gw anterin pacar pulang, di depan gerbang, dya bilang "Merry Christmas" Well, aint that sweet?

Alrighty then, wishing u all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS..

May you have a wonderful happiness and joy..

Thursday, December 8, 2011

08.12.11

happy. friction. disoriented. craving. missing. tired. hurt. drowsy. underestimated. reward. excited. gloomy. sleepy. dragging. planful. future. motivated. content. empty. another reward. food. pink. support. smiling. solitaire. lost. silence. wrong. achievement. invitation. thinking. wondering. trying. failing. lost. lost. lost. air supply. opportunist. altruistic. rue. home. notes. helpless. love. cry. stupid. addiction. Faddy Faulus. complicated. obligation. hero. withdrawal. plain. nausea. wait. search. grateful.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I Miss You

I miss my bear.

Menyebalkan nih perasaan ini. Gw bisa makin gendut gitu.. Gw kan lagi di JIS (sekolah slash mental institution slash penjara anak) dan disini kalau mau ngeroco jauhnya MASYAALLAH (bang, ojeg boleh ga? Gocheng ya..) jadinya gw ya diem aja di bawah AC. Gw br sadar kalau tadi gw snacking mulu, eh taunya ya... damn it, withdrawal symptoms!

So I went outside, just to get some polluted air(this school is so healthy, I'm scared) and I called her. I just missed her. (SEDIH, abis 17 menit, pulsa gw abis.. menyebalkan)

we talked about stuff, random stuff. Malem minggu terus sendirian niyh. Gwnya sibuk ngurusin ticketing Jakarta Players (YANGGGGG INTERNETNYA OKE BANGGETZ) dan pacar sibuk kerja >.< why oh why..

gw males ni kalau udah mulai dependent gini. Gw pun juga menghindari figur cewe menye2 yg needy and super nagging. #EmotionalDementor

Oh well *bitchslap myself* mari skripsi-an yuks.

#MasDemDimSek Masa Depan Dimulai dari SekRIPSI