Saturday, September 7, 2013

Beautifully Broken

In 2006, I was introduced to her. She was very beautiful and charming. I fell for the 1st time. A week later, I went to the party just to see her. Maybe it was my 1st party, I was pretty shy and didn't know what to do nor how to dance. I just looked at her, dancing gracefully with her partners. She swayed, laughed, kissed and smiled. Too bad I didn't impress her at that time, but she was the best thing in 2006. I hoped I could meet her again next year.

In 2007, she was on my mind and I visited her. She was very calm. I wished to see her again but I didn't have any time. I was caught up in my personal life hence I didn't really focus on her. Another hope to see her again next year.

In 2008, I looked for any chance to be near her and there was this opportunity. She accepted me. Maybe she recognized me from earlier events or maybe my CV was very impressive. I wasn't sure. The only thing I feel was I was very glad. At least, I had more chance to feel her presence longer and just be there when she needed me. I maybe not her best assistant because I wasn't significant to her. But at the end, she smiled at me and I knew I was in love. I really wished I can be her assistant next year, to get a closer look at her beautiful smile.

In 2009, I was her assistant again. A year of waiting. I did the same thing. But this time, the feeling went beyond my expectation. She rubbed my back and whisper, "You're my best assistant." And I felt very proud of myself. I did a great job and she noticed it. Please, I want more than this.

In 2010, two of her partners asked me to meet her personally. I went on a date with her and she decided that we could be more than friends. She wanted me as her partner as much as I wanted her. I knew she was with several people (who were also her partners) but I didn't care, I was very grateful. Every moment I spent with her, I felt safe and warm. I loved her more than ever. Although there was an incident where she was attacked because her behavior wasn't accepted by society, I stayed by her side. We finally survived. I learnt so many things from her. Love and friendship. Well, what I can say, she brought up the best in me. At the end of our celebration of love, I cried because I knew that this feeling was real. I was too in love and I would protect her. The hope of seeing her next year was gone since I stayed with her, always kept her close to me.

In 2011, we were doing great until I found out she had cancer. One of her long term partner left her in a bad condition. I had to take control therefore I spend more time taking care of her. With more responsibility, I felt overwhelmed but I loved her too much, I pushed myself to make her happy and healthier. I ran out of energy. Several times I thought about giving up but I couldn't left her in her condition at that time. She needed my support. She changed. She didn't smile the way that she did. She was broken. Beautifully broken. At the end of the year, I knew I had to give up on her. I was too tired and exhausted taking care of her.

In 2012, she called me, wanting me back. I missed her voice. She was still funny, though. I asked her how she was at that moment. She was in a bad condition and really needed me. I refused at 1st but somehow she managed to make it work. She promised not to nag much this time. I felt pity for her. I agreed to stay with her. In the mean time, I moved on slowly. She was no longer attractive. She was a burden for me and I felt like I sacrificed too much for her. She was no longer worth it. At the end of our meeting, I broke her heart, telling her that I couldn't continue this relationship any longer. She looked devastated but I needed to separate from her.

In 2013, I rarely saw her. Maybe I avoided her in a way she should understand. She was weak. It was sad to see her smiling at me whenever she got a chance. We both knew that we couldn't be together but she hoped I could be in her life. The last thing I heard from her was she got HIV from her other partner. She didn't see it coming. I was devastated to hear that news. I wondered why her partners didn't protect her, knowing that she was very fragile. At the same time, I was grateful because I left her when her condition wasn't that bad. All I could think of were our sweet and happy memories. I pray for her so she can get better. I hope she can survive for at least 3 years from now. I'm sorry, Love, I cannot be there for you this year.

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